Monday, February 11, 2008

The Last List

I think I'll go back to my non-list posts for awhile, but I couldn't resist one last list. This one is for Uncle Toby.

The List of My Food Strangeness

1. I can not stand the sight, smell, or taste of mayonnaise. And that includes things that are allegedly not mayonnaise but really are the same nasty thing, like Miracle Whip.

2. I really would rather be punched in the face than take even the tiniest bite of most mayo-based foods, like tuna salad, cole slaw, chicken salad, etc. I consider this to be an actual phobia.

3. I dislike anything sweet and savory together. That means I don't like foods with the words "sweet and sour," "glazed," or "chutney" in the title. No fruit or sugar on meat. I cut the outside part off of honey baked ham. This rules about about 98% of most Chinese takeout, too. The only exception I can think of is cranberry sauce with turkey and dressing. I don't even like sweet-ish barbecue sauces. Sugar is for dessert only.

4. Eating fruit on an empty stomach makes me feel queasy. I need protein at every meal.

5. I do not snack, really. I have no interest in most portable foods. My house can be packed with chips and cookies for the kids' lunch boxes and I won't have the slightest urge to eat them. I want a full, cooked meal that is served hot and requires utensils every time I eat. I do like a good Italian sub, but preferably for lunch, not dinner.

6. If I never ate another piece of bread for as long as I lived, I'd barely miss it. If I eat something on bread or any kind of bun, I won't eat the end parts of the bread that are plain. I will not eat sliced white bread at all. It's too soft.

7. I have no interest in eating any candy that is not chocolate.

8. I have to have a bite of ice cream with each bite of cake. If I run out of ice cream, I just stop eating.

9. There is almost nothing you can do with a tomato or a pepper that I will not like (unless it involves mayonnaise).

10. I crave vinegary foods and have eaten entire jars of pickles and pepperoncini peppers in one sitting. In high school I had uncontrollable urges to drink vinegar on a regular basis. Twice I've correctly suspected I was pregnant after I craved and ate a big bowl of sliced pickles soaked in straight white vinegar that I added.

11. I consider scrambled eggs and hash browns as just vehicles for hot sauce, preferably Chahula.

12. I prefer for all my food to be wet, juicy, and saucy. Thus the bread thing.

13. I think the white meat of chicken is so dry as to almost be inedible, unless it is shredded and in broth or some type of soup or sauce. I like the thighs best.

14. I can't taste avocados.

15. I can't for the life of me understand the appeal of bagels and cream cheese. That is one thing that should be sweet, but isn't. I don't get it.

16. I don't like to bite into anything crunchy that has water coming out of it. This includes raw or noticeable onions in any food, celery, etc. Water chestnuts are like my worst nightmare! Coconut falls into this nasty texture category, although it also tastes like suntan oil. In a bad way.

17. I don't have any problem with "slimy" food textures, like mushrooms (although I don't like them raw). I do have a problem with things that are mushy but strangely dry, like lima beans and boiled egg yolks.

18. I like steak cooked just long enough to be brown on both sides and warm all the way through.

19. I was slow to warm up to sushi not because the raw fish thing bothered me, but because most of it just didn't taste like anything to me. A lot of it is way too bland.

20. If I could only eat one food for the rest of my life, it would either be cheesecake or my own spaghetti, I think.


Unknown said...

My your spaghetti is yar.

Memphisotan said...

Water chestnuts are exactly as nasty and pointless as they sound.

The Saucier said...

Oh, the humanity!

Shannon said...

dear god.

Shannon said...

p.s. are we ignoring rja?

Mrs. Katherine said...

3. You don't like glazed donuts?!?!
8. Cake waster.
9. Do you mean nothing you can do with one of these in a recipe or just in general?

Sassy Molassy said...

RJA has told me what it will take for him to stop the "Yar" comments, but I'm not sure I can do it. (They're all a reference to "The Philadelphia Story," by the way.

I'm not big on glazed donuts, although they are sweet all the way through so not really part of that category the way, say, glazed salmon would be. But if I'm going to eat a donut, (which I'd just as soon not, honestly), I prefer it to have jelly or cream or something inside it. Otherwise it's really just sugary bread. Eh.

9. I mean I love tomatoes and peppers and just about anything that can be made from or with them. Raw, in sauces, soups, on pizza, stuffed and baked, etc. Mmm.

Rita said...

I knew if the list went on long enough, we'd find some common ground (pssst #7)

Stephanie said...

There is almost nothing you can do with a tomato or pepper that I will actually like. I would rather be punched in the face than forced to eat a raw tomato or green pepper.

Sassy Molassy said...

Oh man, in the summertime I could live off sliced tomatoes with a little salt and pepper and fresh corn on the cob.

Melissa said...

Eating bacon-wrapped water chestnuts is like getting a high five from Jesus.

Raw tomatoes are most definitely yar.

I say next cocktail hour we watch The Philadelphia Story and drink everytime she says Yar. Or when Jimmy Stewart looks annoyed. Or when Cary Grant looks like...mmm Cary Grant. Cary Grant is Yar. Gay and Yar.

Stacey Greenberg said...

i want to know what you have to do to get rja to stop.

and i like the drinking game idea, except we should make the tomato haters eat a tomato every time she says yar.

i want a high five from jesus...but not in my mouth ;)

Sassy Molassy said...

Um, I'm not sure Jesus is allowed to play with you.

Anonymous said...

I'll bring the mayo shots. People have a problem with Hellman' Blue Ribbon label? It's one of the finer and oldest brands and is quite yar.

Sassy Molassy said...

RJA, do you see what you've done? If one more person says the word "yar," I will be forced to kill them all, and their blood will be on your hands.

The Saucier said...