Monday, March 22, 2010

Scattered Pic-Tures

Yesterday in the process of cleaning/rearranging the boys' room to accomodate their new (to them, thanks Chockleys!) couch, BD came across an old picture of me with the boys. Calvin is 4 and Joshua is around 10 months old, balanced on my knee in terry footies looking a little wacky with his huge baby grin. I'm pregnant with Somerset, but you can't tell because of our positioning and my black top and jeans...and the fact that my face is thinner in the picture than it is now.

Pictures are hard for me. I've never photgraphed well, even when I was 17 and weighed 105 pounds. Sure, occasionally there's a good shot of me, but in most pictures I look swollen and chinless. I have actually cried over pictures of myself, because it's so much easier for me to believe the photographic evidence than what I think I see in the mirror each day or what anyone says.

But you know, when I look at a picture of myself with my two sons taken almost eight years ago, and "Shit, I'm fatter than I was pregnant for the second time in two years" outweighs "Aw, look how little and cute my boys were," I know that something is wrong. I know I have to do better, on several levels.

Like the lady sang:

It took me too long to realize
that I don't take good pictures
cuz I have the kind of beauty that moves


Memphisotan said...

I'm not sure Mz. difranco would want to be called a lady, but she's got a good point.

Rita said...

I am the same way. I don't know how to get around it. Other than knowing that as I age and I look back at pictures, I do think, "Wow, I thought this was a terrible picture, but I look better then than I do now!" and I try now to look at bad pictures of myself and think, Wow, I look like hell, but in ten years I'll look even worse, so I might as well appreciate this kind of hell while I still have it! Sad, isn't it?

Shannon said...

you think you don't photograph well? (shakes head and sighs)

Sassy Molassy said...

Shannon, believe me, you see only the very carefully selected one in 100 that is decent. Chip Chockley alone has enough horrible pictures of my chins to make me suicidal. He won't even catch my elbow in a snapshot anymore because of the fits I've thrown.

Mel Spillman artwork said...

I think you look great, not that we really know each other that well- but I always admire your photos and the beauty and strength you have.

Anonymous said...

I understand what you mean exactly. I have what I call reverse anorexia. I look in the mirror and think I look just fine. Then I got a photo back and want to run around screaming, who is this woman? and why didn't someone tell her to go work out once in a while? I also had a wake up moment recently with Stella. She had read the first book that really made her really emotional, involved death and she was worrying about the possibility of losing loved ones. When I tucked her in, she said, Mom, you have to take better care of yourself, please. I thought oh my goodness, am I that old and out of shape my daughter thinks I'm about to kick the bucket with my current health situation!? This aging thing is going to be a blast.

Anonymous said...

and by the way I have A LOT of beautiful photos of you when you were 105 pounds. I know Richard took 1000s of them too. You were a beautiful teenager and in my opinion pretty darn beautiful now!