Thursday, January 21, 2010

Ennui

I'm in a bit of a funk. The blahs. The doldrums, if you will. There's a restlessness that, if you could see it, would look like someone trying to Houdini their way out of a straightjacket under cover of a wet wool blanket. I want to ditch everything and go live in a tropical paradise with a hammock in the indoor/outdoor livingroom. I want to pull a Peter Gibbons and stop going to my job. Not quit, just not go anymore. Or show up just to do things my way and tell Mr. TPS Reports to suck it, with "Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta" playing in the background. (Too much?)

Maybe this is all just because it's January and I hate January because it's still winter. Maybe it's the fact that I am being strangled to mental death by layers and layers of bureaucracy and I feel like nothing I drag ass out of bed at 6:00 a.m. to do every day is in any way measurable or definable or tangible. I feel a tremendous need to do things my own way, but also a tremendous, suffocating exhaustion that makes it hard for me to act. Right now I feel like nothing I'm doing is allowing me to shine, and I am shiny, dammit! At least, I used to be.

I want to do something new. I want to create something or make something or at least just contribute in some recognizable way. I want to feel good at what I'm doing and know that I'm good at it because it is well suited to my abilities and to me as a person. Right now I would happily be a fabulous housewife or a really good waitress if it would mean that I had found my groove again.

9 comments:

Stacey Greenberg said...

I usually feel funky in the fall. January is a time of new beginnings! You'll get your groove on. Don't worry. Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

Stephanie said...

January-February is always a funky time for me too. I've had the "I would rather be an awesome waitress" inner dialogue many times before, too. (Housewife is only ruled out by finances- it's obviously the job I was born for.) So what I'm saying is, I feel you, dawg! Hang in there- you are definitely shiny!

All Adither said...

You're the most fabulous Sassy Molassy I know. :)

Rita.the.bookworm said...

Oh, I feel so bad for how you're feeling. You really do need circus school, don't you? Somehow, I get the feeling that would totally hit the spot right now.

Sarah De Weese Copeland said...

Dearest Miss Sassy Molassy,

When was the last time you made any art?

We, as we are human beings at the moment, need to create. We MUST! We must create, using colors and sparkly things!

~~ YOU ARE SPARKLY! ~~

But, perhaps rather thought of as a dormant star, as my lifelong friend, Carly, terms herself right now.

Make art and you will feel more alive even if it hurts at first...which it will. You can even start out using your non-dominant hand so it is very free-flowing.

Let me know if you need any help, I have tons of supplies.

Have a introspective Friday.

Yours Truly,

Sarah இ

Sassy Molassy said...

Y'all are sweet. Stacey, did you just fortune cookie me? Rita, circus school sounds so fabulous! Sarah, I am not very arty. I was crocheting like mad for a while but have run out of projects and yarn. maybe I'm having withdrawals.

Sarah De Weese Copeland said...

It is untrue that you are not very arty.

First off, you are a human being so that totally blows your cover.

Secondly, you are a writer. You are a ball of expression.

The seasons I did not write...the seasons I did not make colorful blobs of paint mean nothing on a flimsy sheet of paper...

were always the darkness.

Yours Truly,

Sarah இ

Melissa said...

Lookie there Kristy. Your golden ticket awaits. ^^
Betcha never woulda thunk you'd grab that shiny brass ring while the spam is hot!

p.s. I really do hope you are feeling spiffy again soon.

Melissa said...

I think some spots are open in the U of M's hooping class on Wednesday nights